His last pill was December 31st, 2017, I had faith that 2018 would be AMAZING and that we would be celebrating our next New Years celebrating a year of sobriety!! It would be a new start for him, for his health, for our families happiness.. that hope was shattered as he tested positive again in June and again in August, he relapsed again in October.. the lying continued and became worse.. looking back I’m not sure there really was any sobriety..
2018 was supposed to be the new start, not the end of our era. You see, he and I permanently separated in November but it was April 2018 when I knew It was the end of the marriage I knew, nurtured and hoped would last a lifetime. Looking back it was probably even prior to that but I stood by, I tried to love the addiction away.
Separation, It doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned him, he’s the man I married, had children with and built a life with..it means I’ve untied the rope that’s pulling me below water, I’ve had to make the choice to let him sink or swim for himself... I’ve tried to help him, tried to do it for him, tried to push him, controlled every aspect of our lives in an effort to force him into the right direction.
He was in a program, he was working on himself, I was working two jobs to support our family and I was absolutely content to do this until it became clear that he was using again, lying, draining our family financially, emotionally and physically... and that I wasn’t upholding my end of the bargain.. I realized that by allowing him a warm, soft place to land while he would make choices that would negatively effect the boys and I wasn’t in the best interest of any of us.
Did I want to tell my husband of 12 years to pee clean or leave?
Did I want to tell him that this is no longer his home?
Did I want to deliver the heartbreaking news to our boys that daddy isn’t living here anymore?
Did I want to have a locksmith come and change all locks?
Did I want to have a family meeting and disclose the secrets I’d feverishly kept for him to his sobbing family?
Did I want to have to apologize over and over to my family and friends who he’s wronged?
Did I want to have to go to the court house and get an order preventing him from having the kids without supervision?
Did I want to have to meet with numerous attorneys to finalize a separation and protect my kids and I.
Did I want to have to watch him slip farther away from the person I knew? Did I want to watch as my kids begged to see him only for him to "no show" again?
Did I want to take my kids to counseling and tell them the deep truths?
No, HELL NO! This is not the life I chose, this is the life that he chose and unfortunately the boys and I were collateral damage. There were moments I felt I’d lost everything, my family, my business and my marriage that I one time so deeply believed in. My thinking has really changed in recent months and I’m insanely lucky to have this life, to have healthy boys, to have a good job and provide for them. It hasn’t been easy but my boys have never had to leave their home, they’ve not switched schools or been without. 2018 isn’t the year that defines our family but it was the final moment as a family of four. I’m also lucky to be able to share my story and help others, the loneliness you feel while supporting an addict is unexplainable.
Where do we go from here? The boys and I are on a path of honesty, openness, healing and new traditions. My best friend recently bought us a journal for memories, I’m sure among the memories of night swimming, waterfights and family there will be memories of missed birthdays, holidays and "donuts with dads".
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