State of addiction, that’s what they call it..That’s what the news focuses on, they routinely talk about stats and share stories about the state of addiction. Addiction is an epidemic in our state and it’s necessary...my issue is that it’s talked about like it’s a state of being. They talk about it like it’s temporary, as if it’s as simple as being pregnant, or sleeping. Often they highlight people who have come out on the other end, rarely people in the middle of the shit storm and that’s the true state of addiction.
I call it devastation and heartbreak, it’s not a state of being but rather a feeling of loss and emptiness.. grieving and mourning the person he once was even though he’s alive. Mourning your dreams and stowing away your memories of the good times so you see something other than a drug addict. Learning not to promise your kids anything knowing that he won’t be available.
Gut wrenching pain is not a state of being, it’s watching your children miss their father and wish for him to pick up the phone, send them a text or ask for a visit. It’s sitting in a restaurant for two hours waiting for him to light up their world only to muster the strength to carry two sobbing boys to the car.. It’s the sorrow of a seven year old who cries himself to sleep in my arms almost every night, it’s a ten year old who doesn’t want to go to the art show at school because he wasn’t able to invite his dad, because he never called. It’s two boys who’s childhood has been robbed no matter which way you look at it, that is not a state of being, its a terrible reality.
The financial burden and drowning in debt you had no idea about isn’t a state of addiction, it’s not a glamorous news segment.. it’s what keeps me awake until 3am most nights. The reconciling of who I knew him to be vs what he is now is something I just don’t understand. In fact, I constantly ask myself "how did we get here?".. I ask myself, "what made him take that one pill that started it all".. "was our life and boys childhood not worth it", "why did so many sit in silence and not speak up to help him sooner" and the biggest one of all, "why did I believe him for so long".
D.A.R.E- The details of addiction are scary, they’re not something we as society talk about in depth. Sure, a short segment on the evening news or a class in school but nothing, NOTHING prepares you for this life.D A R E is Drug abuse resistance education, was it a program pounded into our heads as kids, yes! They teach you, "just say no". That’s a great start but they don’t teach you what to do if it happens, it’s as if yelling a pregnant teenager, "abstinence is the way" when she asks for guidance on her upcoming delivery.
State of addiction, it’s finding pills stashed in your couch, it’s finding a hole in your mattress with a hidden bottle, it’s finding burnt foil months after he moved out. A state of addiction is a lifelong battle, it’s coparenting with someone who has no grasp on daily life. It’s your kids hearing from someone at school that their dad is doing bad things, it’s finding out how many family and friends you have to apologize to for something you didn’t do. Its your children asking you why we can’t go back to the way it was. Its asking myself, how long have I been lied to. Its hoping one day he wakes up and sees how amazing his kids are, so amazing that they’re worth being clean for. It’s hoping I get a call that he’s been admitted to rehab..
A train wreck...the heartbreaking state of addiction is watching a train wreck about to happen while frantically trying to pull the brakes, brakes that someone else has control over. One day I decided to grab my babies, tuck and roll and jump off the metaphorical train..the fall was hard, the pain of getting up was difficult but learning to stand again is liberating.
