A guide to separation

How long have you been married? "We’ve been together almost fourteen years and will happily celebrate 12 years in June" used to be my answer. Now, I don’t even know how to answer that, we aren’t divorced and are legally separated but I don’t feel like a married woman.. so I can say, "well we’ve been married 11 years but are separated" but that’s so confusing... that’s the LEAST of the confusion in my daily "how do I navigate this" type feelings. 

This is titled the guide to separation but honestly, I have no clue what I’m doing.. I can tell you what’s helped and what hasn’t.

One day I will share the pain I’ve endured, what we as a couple have gone through and how I’m working through it daily. One day I will share my deep hearted truth, today isn’t the day for that post. It is however the day to discuss how people treat us going through this difficult journey.

1. The "I’ve had it worse" people.. these are the people who no matter how much you try to pour your heart out when you need them reply with, "well, I did It with four kids", "yup, I’ve been working 50 hours my whole life, welcome to my world", "well, at least your parents can help you", "your lucky there’s not infidelity", "mine were toddlers when I divorced, you’re lucky yours are older"... first off, this isn’t a competition of bleeding hearts, it’s not about who had it worse, how much worse it can be.. this is my life right now, I’ve reached out or said something because I looked to you for support.. "you’re doing great", "things will be okay", "how can we help", "this is a season and will pass", "I’m glad you’re being strong".. these are acceptable things to say, even an "I don’t know what to say" is better than the previous comments.. and yes, theses have all been comments made to me..

2. The people who tell their version of my story.. STOP, this isn’t about you.. this isn’t about a gossip session with your friend, neighbor or hairstylist.. this isn’t about how you feel I’ve been wronged.. let me tell MY STORY when I’m ready, I have two little boys to protect from some of the truths about what has happened. I also need to process this before I’d like to share details, and learning whom I can share those with is difficult. I live in a small town, people talk, word of my separation and the circumstances spread like wildfire before I even had a chance to tell  friends myself.

3. Don’t drive my bus.. I understand I may not do things the way you would, I may go slower than you desire or I may make choices you don’t like.. TOUGH COOKIES, this is my journey, my speed bumps and my bus to drive. I compare navigating a separation to navigating a snowy icy road, it’s easy to read a map or give someone directions when you’re not in the driver seat. Please stop telling me what I could have, should have or what you would have done.. I’m doing MY BEST with the situation I’ve been handed...please, sit down, buckle up and let me drive! 

4. Don’t bash my husband.. yes, I called him my husband.. as much as I don’t feel like a married woman, I also don’t feel like a divorced woman.. please don’t bash him, I know who he is and what he has done, remember I lived that life every single day.. Your bashing doesn’t help me see who he is, it helps me understand who you are.. my kids are part of him, and I’m forever grateful for that, I’m grateful for the "old him" and I’m thankful for the memories we have.

5. Grieving a marriage you once knew is like grieving a death.. even if we reconcile and move forward, the marriage we once had and the trust may never ever be the same. We won’t ever be the "old us" if we go back there.. the hopes, dreams and plans for the future may never be the same. Thinking of the plans we had for raising our children is like looking into an old broken mirror, you can see the silhouette but the cracks distort the details... can that be repaired?

Be kind, be firm and be direct, those are lessons I’ve learned during my separation. There is no winner in this situation, we all lose.. it’s how we deal with the loss that will help develop our future.