Alone but not lonely

Alone, Not Lonely 

I’ve had a lot of weird questions along this journey, perhaps because I’ve been so transparent. The top few are 1) are you dating 2) is he dating? 3) will you guys get back together? 4) are you lonely? 5) what are you telling the boys? 

These are weird questions for sure but they’re asked so often I figured most separated/divorced people probably have these asked. So, I hope he’s not dating, the reasons aren’t for those you all may think. I hope he’s falling in love, he’s nurturing someone and that he’s being honestly amazing....to himself. I hope he does this for himself and his sobriety, and only after that do I hope he finds his forever love. Similarly, I’m focused on the same, I’m alone but I’m not lonely.. I’m falling in love with myself and discovering the things I love about myself and the things I want to work on as a human... these milestones are invaluable, this time is mine! I am learning to embrace my weird, quirky and silly self, and if I choose to let someone else in they better be cooler than I am ❤️

I don’t know the future but I do know  that this chapter in love and life is closed, nothing is forever.. that goes for marriage and divorce! I believe that life is measured by moments and feelings, not by check boxes and definitions. I’m a very type A person and I was very much a “policies and procedures” or “by the book” type of person, this works in the professional world but not in our personal lives. This mindset will only leave you and everyone else around you in a position to always fall short and disappoint. Life isn’t meant to be measured by expectations but rather experiences. 

What have I told my boys? I have told them lies to protect their hearts, I have told them truths that break their hearts and I have told them I’m sorry for both. You see, I thought this was a season of life and that we could weather this as adults and protect them.. so I lied to keep their innocence. In retrospect and after honest conversations, they’ve known all along and validation is what they were seeking. I will tell you this, if we teach our children to always be honest, we must practice that.. even in the most difficult moments because they see, feel and hear more than we know. 

You must be lonely? Some may call it selfish but I’m not lonely, I’m finding peace in the empty space in my bed. I’m finding power in knowing I can do this on my own, I’m finding faith in humanity and trust in the little things. I’m actually using the alone moments to reconnect with myself, with friends and with family. 

I get up every morning half hour early just to drink my coffee on the porch with my dogs while I write and listen to the birds, work out and nurture myself. I’ve seen how quickly a human can burn out both personally and professionally and I don’t want to live in that state of chaos, stress or dissatisfaction. In my quiet moments I’ve discovered that happiness comes from within and although you can fake a smile, the human spirit can’t fake happiness...so find the real thing!