It takes a village

It takes a village, no.. it really takes a village! I’ve heard this time and time again and not until 15-18 months ago did I fully understand this. 

I’m registering the boys for school and it hit me, they have so many people I to list.. my parents, siblings, best friends, surrogate grandparents, aunts and uncles.. it really takes a village. I feel so lucky and humbled that so many people love me and my boys. To those who didn’t retreat during the time of struggle but came toward the chaos and shit storm, you’re the real hero’s to this story! 

When I think about men who often step up and be present for the boys while their dad is on his journey it’s not difficult to think of 10 men I trust to teach the boys. My stepdad aka dad, my oldest brother who has been an advocate for the kids and their stability, my younger brother who has been the saving grace of fun and adventure. There are countless uncles, cousins and friends who have taken time to have boy talk, throw a football, roughhouse and have sleepovers or boys nights with these amazing little humans. I’m looking at YOU, the people who have been there but didn’t have to be. 

I was too proud to ask for help at the beginning but now I couldn’t imagine raising them without the village. The boys’ babysitter is like family, her grandkids are like cousins to the boys and they enjoy and fight with one another like so. We have a babysitting rotation for the summer and the boys look to each person for different types of support...my mom, my grandmother, friends and their babysitter (aka nana). If I had an emergency I know my boys would be well taken care of, I’m thankful for your love, compassion and presence in our lives! 

To the village, what you’ve given the boys is stability amongst the “I don’t know’s” and adventure they’ll remember as their childhood. What you don’t know is you’ve given this mama peace, you’ve helped mend my broken heart. I was broken hearted that after 9 years of being home with my babies I’d have no choice but to turn their life even more upside down and go back to work full time. I’m thankful for those 9 years at home, fully engaged in every moment, volunteering at the school and being at every single activity. My mama heart was broken, so heart broken to give up so much of that but I’m thankful for it all now. 

I’ve grown so much due to the circumstances, and I can’t imagine ever not being in this place. That may sound crazy to some people but the journey is what has helped me grow as a human, it has shaped me and taught me to believe in myself, its also how I fell in love again! I would have never seen what type of life I had and what type of life I want (and don’t want) if I’d never gone through this journey. I fell in love with myself again and that is something I can’t ever discount..will I have moments of heartache, uncertainty, loneliness and sadness? Absolutely...but I will always pick myself back up! 

I’ve learned I can do anything...literally, I can do ANYTHING for these boys, it may not go perfectly as planned or be easy but I get it done. The boys know no matter what happens I will always be honest and they’re learning to do the same, that alone is invaluable. The type of trust I’m building with the boys is something I never want to lose, I tell them age appropriately exactly what is going on. With that they’re also learning that we are raising one another, some days they raise me up. They’re learning that crying and grieving is okay, the life they once had will never be the same and that’s okay. They’re learning that this amazing village is a safe place for them to be themselves and out their guard down, they’re learning that we are all in this together ❤️

Alone but not lonely

Alone, Not Lonely 

I’ve had a lot of weird questions along this journey, perhaps because I’ve been so transparent. The top few are 1) are you dating 2) is he dating? 3) will you guys get back together? 4) are you lonely? 5) what are you telling the boys? 

These are weird questions for sure but they’re asked so often I figured most separated/divorced people probably have these asked. So, I hope he’s not dating, the reasons aren’t for those you all may think. I hope he’s falling in love, he’s nurturing someone and that he’s being honestly amazing....to himself. I hope he does this for himself and his sobriety, and only after that do I hope he finds his forever love. Similarly, I’m focused on the same, I’m alone but I’m not lonely.. I’m falling in love with myself and discovering the things I love about myself and the things I want to work on as a human... these milestones are invaluable, this time is mine! I am learning to embrace my weird, quirky and silly self, and if I choose to let someone else in they better be cooler than I am ❤️

I don’t know the future but I do know  that this chapter in love and life is closed, nothing is forever.. that goes for marriage and divorce! I believe that life is measured by moments and feelings, not by check boxes and definitions. I’m a very type A person and I was very much a “policies and procedures” or “by the book” type of person, this works in the professional world but not in our personal lives. This mindset will only leave you and everyone else around you in a position to always fall short and disappoint. Life isn’t meant to be measured by expectations but rather experiences. 

What have I told my boys? I have told them lies to protect their hearts, I have told them truths that break their hearts and I have told them I’m sorry for both. You see, I thought this was a season of life and that we could weather this as adults and protect them.. so I lied to keep their innocence. In retrospect and after honest conversations, they’ve known all along and validation is what they were seeking. I will tell you this, if we teach our children to always be honest, we must practice that.. even in the most difficult moments because they see, feel and hear more than we know. 

You must be lonely? Some may call it selfish but I’m not lonely, I’m finding peace in the empty space in my bed. I’m finding power in knowing I can do this on my own, I’m finding faith in humanity and trust in the little things. I’m actually using the alone moments to reconnect with myself, with friends and with family. 

I get up every morning half hour early just to drink my coffee on the porch with my dogs while I write and listen to the birds, work out and nurture myself. I’ve seen how quickly a human can burn out both personally and professionally and I don’t want to live in that state of chaos, stress or dissatisfaction. In my quiet moments I’ve discovered that happiness comes from within and although you can fake a smile, the human spirit can’t fake happiness...so find the real thing! 

Emotions, rocks and loving yourself ❤️

Waves, the emotions come and go like the waves of the ocean crashing on the rocks. The rocks are strong and the sound of the crash can be beautiful however the waves can be unpredictable. I’m the metaphorical rock, I’m the rock for the boys, for my family and the weight of the ocean waves crashing sometimes chips away little pebbles.. every once in a while a big wave crashes so hard that it will break off some of the rock and allow water to run a new path..although I’ve processed a lot of what’s happening in life the waves of emotions are unpredictable and are constantly evolving.

 Walking in the mall and smelling a certain scent can bring me to tears, writing the date of an amazing memory can take my breath away, heading into my 35th year of life alone is a gut punch. I’ve grieved the marriage I had, I’ve had the magic and the mayhem, I know what it’s like to have the fairytale romance, the passion and companionship of your best friend.. I also know what it’s like to not trust your spouse to run to the grocery store, going crazy trying to balance stories with reality and feverishly searching phone bills for clues. 

The waves of reconciling these emotions are evolving like the love for myself and the courage to be my own best friend. Just because I’ve grieved the marriage doesn’t mean I don’t have tears rolling down my face when I hear a certain song, it doesn’t mean I don’t miss the person I fell madly in love with. It just means I’m allowing myself to feel, to be human and to continue to grieve. 

I’ve had people ask me, “so how can you share so much and be transparent”.. I share because these complicated emotions of life are best sorted out knowing you’re not alone. I remember the loneliness I felt even while surrounded by people, I don’t want others to think they’re alone on their journey of life. I also don’t share in real time, by the time a blog is published I’ve had time to process my emotions and share. 

No matter who you are, no matter where your journey of life is taking you, you’re never alone. ❤️learn to love yourself and you’ll never be alone.