Fear, what does it look like? Does it feel like your heart fell into your stomach, like the sweat beading on your brow or the palms that are suddenly clammy. Where did it come from? Is it real or was it created and perfectly curated by the anxiety in your head? How do you peel back the fingers of the tight grip, it feels almost like your heart is being pumped by the vice of your brain.. how do I turn it off.. my heart says, “you’re good enough; live your best life; let the anxiety go” and my brain says, “but did you make sure you wouldn’t offend anyone; are you sure you shouldn’t be doing something else with your time; Valerie, wait for the other shoe to drop”… is it fear, is it trauma, is it anxiety- wait, are they different? They all feel the same in the end, heart in your stomach with the grips of a fist that you can’t peel the fingers back from.
Fear of not being enough, fear of being successful, fear of being too much, fear of not being afraid.. this all sounds silly, right. One of my biggest fears, something that holds me back isn’t necessarily failure, its actually what happens if I succeed.. I know I can have a successful career, I’ve done it- I’m a good wife and mother by most accounts but what if my plans actually come true. You see, I’ve been conditioned to worry about the other shoe dropping, what to do when life falls apart. It started when I was young, my parents were divorced, my mom remarried to my step- dad and one fateful day, my dad was called to heaven. The worst imaginable thing happened, my dad, a real life superhero who saves people from burning buildings was gone- in the BLINK of an eye. I feel like my DNA was changed the day he died, I went to counseling and coped with his death the best way a child does.. as I grew up I always felt different, looked for exit signs in a theatre, made sure to double check my seatbelt and stayed away from the deep end of the pool. I didn’t join friends on water slides, I didn’t choose to go away for college despite a scholarship, I chose the safe route.. fear had a grip on me. Even in high school, I didn’t party or have the life most teenagers did because I was FEARFUL I would disappoint my family, get injured or die- I was afraid to take risks that it would end badly- I was fearful when people drank, smoked weed or partied that something bad would happen… I had gripping anxiety.. and sadly, I was afraid to share because I didn’t want to be the weird kid, I didn’t want to cause anyone trouble and I wanted to fly under the radar. I graduated high school and had a series of unhealthy relationships during my early college years because the turmoil felt risky. I knew it wasn’t healthy and wasn’t right but it was safe enough yet risky.. I remember friends and family drinking heavily, using drugs and me being afraid, I was quickly labeled, “the mother hen” or the “boring” one because I didn’t join in. I was no longer flying under the radar, as I got older I’d drink at events, partied with college friends and became a pot head- it helped with the anxiety at the time too. After a few “fun” years, I remember feeling like I was numb to life and wondered if it was worse to feel the pain and fear or worse to be numb, I chose to feel the pain, turmoil and fear. I wonder if this is how addiction starts, if this is where fun ends and addiction starts- I knew alcoholism ran in my family and made the decision to again, look for the exit signs. I was thankful to have a job with an investigations firm that could be my “out”.. “I can’t because I could be drug tested” became my response and my goodness did I lean on it, I had to justify my actions, after all..
In my early twenties I met my husband on a blind date, risky huh… through the years I opened my own little junkin booth, then joined my mom with a storefront. My biggest fears were something happening to my children or something taking me from them, growing up without a parent wasn’t easy and I didn’t want that for my boys. I was so obsessed with their every move and it seemed like a traditional “helicopter mom” but in reality, it was fear. Fear hit a new level when addiction hit my household, my kids could lose the other parent. Driven by necessity and fear of not being able to provide as a single mother, I put my heels and blazer on and hit the marketing scene. I was weirdly successful and didn’t have a degree, at all, I knew how to speak the love language of people and was literally getting paid, and bonuses.. for PEOPLE PLEASING! It was a dream, I got PAID to do well at one of my biggest flaws, fear of disappointment.. I enjoyed it, I was having a blast.. then fear set in- I was told to build a hospice market to a specific census, I crushed that goal.. it became apparent that this was my calling, or was it.. I was offered a position with a different company and took the job, I worked my way into a senior role, and worked my ass off.. then fear set in, where do I go from here. Can I be enough? What makes me more than the gal who’s thinner, prettier and has an MBA.. I devalued myself, I stepped back and chose my worth, at a discount. My husband and I rekindled, he moved back home after 3 years and due to circumstances of the past, we needed to sell our home to offset debts- we sold our home and decided this was time to start over, somewhere new! It’s a dream we’ve always wanted to pursue, leaving the land of enchantment and discovering the world that’s so much bigger than us. Oddly, this wasn’t something that triggered fears- this was the opening I needed to focus on my relationship with my husband, my children and more importantly myself. I’ve had a lot of self reflection and it occurred to me- I’ve never learned how to just be- I’ve always been on the move, something in my brain and body has always been fearful of being happy.. of being content and leaning into the life I have.
Aren’t we supposed to keep up with the Joneses after all? What would happen if I let it all go? Move away from everything I know, leave the career I feel identified me, leave the heels and blazer behind? Well, I did just that, I realized that the ability to get to know myself again is just what I needed. I sit still, I walk, hike and bike every single day, I sit with my feelings and am learning to lean into the comfort of being still. I’m not free of fear by any means, but being aware and identifying it before it identifies me has been healing.
