25 years ago I was an almost 9 year old little girl, without a care in the world. I was silly, dramatic (imagine that), and enjoyed barbies and make believe. I went to bed on May 9th like any other night, kissed my mom, step dad and brothers goodnight (I probably fist bumped the boys because...germs)... I woke up for school, I was a third grader at the time, got dressed in my favorite dress and was shocked to see my grandparents sitting on the church pew in our kitchen.
My grandparents were visibly upset, I had never seen my grandfather cry until that day. He asked my brother and I to sit down with he and my grandma, we did. My parents joined us on this church pew, we sat in silence, it felt like minutes went by before my grandpa told us the news that my dad had suffered an asthma attack and passed away. I still remember that lump in my throat, the empty feeling in my stomach, I think I almost vomited, my world shattered. I’m not sure if scientifically your heart hurts after something like this but I remember the feeling of someone sitting on me, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember thinking, "I have to be strong, I have to be there for my grandparents, parents and brother".. that’s the moment I took the world on my shoulders. I lost my daddy, the man who taught me to swim at our apartment, the man who taught me to dance on his feet, the man who spent hours braiding my hair Saturday nights for church on Sunday, the man who made macaroni and tomato sauce and watched Rescue 911 on the floor with us....the man who told me he would make sure we were always safe. He was a firefighter, he was our real life hero..
I wasn’t only dealing with the grief of losing my daddy, I was unsure of how to cope, process and not hurt my step dads feelings that I missed my dad so much. My parents divorced when I was young, my mom remarried when I was 6 and my dad was engaged when he passed. I remember thinking, I can’t cry on Father’s Day, it’s my step dads day, I don’t want to ruin it, I took this burden as a 9 year old little girl. I’ve realized over the years that this isn’t a burden anyone else put on me, it’s not a sadness anyone told me to keep inside, it was the start of my anxiety, my people pleasing and it was due to what my heart went through. It’s only now, as an adult, that I’ve realized...just because I was given two dads doesn’t make the loss of one any less painful just as if someone who loses a child doesn’t hurt less because they have two other children.
It’s been 25 years since my world was rocked, my life was forever changed and my daddy went to heaven..still, not a day goes by that I don’t ask "what if".. "what if he hadn’t decided to burn weeds", "what if he had been treated without malpractice?".. the what if’s have consumed me for many years, they still do. Now, as a mother and wife, I am overly anxious and cautious, my biggest fear is my children growing up without a parent.
I think this is the only photo I have with all of my grandparents, parents and brothers..the men who made sure I was safe, knew how to change a tire, shoot a gun, bait a hook, write a letter and fix anything with duct tape... I married a man who understood my pain, understood my grief and who loved me even with with a damaged heart. 
