I love time with you, I need time with me!

I’ve joked before that I’m an introverted extrovert, I think it’s really a thing. I like hanging out with friends, I also enjoy being alone.. I enjoy the sounds of nature and silence of humans, I enjoy back porch sitting listening to the birds, frogs and watching lizards scurry across the ground. 

I enjoy the rhythm of my own heart when I hear nothing else, I enjoy the sound of a paint brush when I’m in deep thought. It’s almost therapy to sit quietly and let my thoughts float onto the piece I’m painting, the plant I’m weeding or the smoky eye I’m trying to achieve. I enjoy the "me" time. 

Some people enjoy going for cocktails, pedicures or shopping to relax and de stress, I enjoy being barefoot and getting grounded in my own home. It’s hard to explain to people that I’d rather not go to dinner, I’d rather make a beautiful dinner in my kitchen with giggles from my kids in the background. 

I’m learning that I don’t need to explain why, it’s a bit difficult to explain anyway..I’m an odd soul, I don’t enjoy entertaining, I don’t enjoy house guests, I’m a bit of a purest when it comes to my home...and by that, my home is a pure chaos, unfolded laundry and probably dishes to be done.. but it’s complete, it is where I am grounded and when I truly feel like myself. 

When daddy died

25 years ago I was an almost 9 year old little girl, without a care in the world. I was silly, dramatic (imagine that), and enjoyed barbies and make believe. I went to bed on May 9th like any other night, kissed my mom, step dad and brothers goodnight (I probably fist bumped the boys because...germs)... I woke up for school, I was a third grader at the time, got dressed in my favorite dress and was shocked to see my grandparents sitting on the church pew in our kitchen. 

My grandparents were visibly upset, I had never seen my grandfather cry until that day. He asked my brother and I to sit down with he and my grandma, we did. My parents joined us on this church pew, we sat in silence, it felt like minutes went by before my grandpa told us the news that my dad had suffered an asthma attack and passed away. I still remember that lump in my throat, the empty feeling in my stomach, I think I almost vomited, my world shattered. I’m not sure if scientifically your heart hurts after something like this but I remember the feeling of someone sitting on me, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember thinking, "I have to be strong, I have to be there for my grandparents, parents and brother".. that’s the moment I took the world on my shoulders. I lost my daddy, the man who taught me to swim at our apartment, the man who taught me to dance on his feet, the man who spent hours braiding my hair Saturday nights for church on Sunday, the man who made macaroni and tomato sauce and watched Rescue 911 on the floor with us....the man who told me he would make sure we were always safe. He was a firefighter, he was our real life hero..

I wasn’t only dealing with the grief of losing my daddy, I was unsure of how to cope, process and not hurt my step dads feelings that I missed my dad so much. My parents divorced when I was young, my mom remarried when I was 6 and my dad was engaged when he passed. I remember thinking, I can’t cry on Father’s Day, it’s my step dads day, I don’t want to ruin it, I took this burden as a 9 year old little girl. I’ve realized over the years that this isn’t a burden anyone else put on me, it’s not a sadness anyone told me to keep inside, it was the start of my anxiety, my people pleasing and it was due to what my heart went through. It’s only now, as an adult, that I’ve realized...just because I was given two dads doesn’t make the loss of one any less painful just as if someone who loses a child doesn’t hurt less because they have two other children. 

It’s been 25 years since my world was rocked, my life was forever changed and my daddy went to heaven..still, not a day goes by that I don’t ask "what if".. "what if he hadn’t decided to burn weeds", "what if he had been treated without malpractice?".. the what if’s have consumed me for many years, they still do. Now, as a mother and wife, I am overly anxious and cautious, my biggest fear is my children growing up without a parent.I think this is the only photo I have with all of my grandparents, parents and brothers..the men who made sure I was safe, knew how to change a tire, shoot a gun, bait a hook, write a letter and fix anything with duct tape... I married a man who understood my pain, understood my grief and who loved me even with with a damaged heart. 

New Beauty - Ugly Duckling

I am a rehab addict, I love a good project and am making a living refurbishing furniture. Here is one of my most recent furniture flips, I took two ugly chairs and a little coffee table from ugly to gorgeous.. here’s how;

I found a set of ugly chairs with good bones at goodwill, these cushions are super easy to replace, just four screws. I found the coffee table at a local auction house (3 little tables for $5, YES PLEASE)

I stripped down the chairs, the staples are a bit of a pain in the butt so I raided my husbands toolbox and found an automotive upholstery clip remover. 

I probably didn’t NEED to sand these down but I always do, then a good clean with Krud Kudder and I was ready for paint! Affiliate link  https://amzn.to/2HceYxm

I have a friend who carries Debi’s Design Diaries DIY paint, I bought the color "Kissing Booth" because it was "my color".. it is the perfect pink, my favorite color. A few tidbits about this paint, it’s PIGMENTED and coverage is great, I was able to do these with an 8oz jar. It also dries very quickly, like....minutes.. which is amazing but you’ll need to either water down your paint, have a water bottle handy or work quickly. 

I decided on a GORGEOUS floral fabric I had on hand and a gray stain from general finishes to top the little table and tie the colors together. I couldn’t be happier with the end result. She sold in less than an hour, and my bleeding pink floral heart was excited she had a new home but so sad to see it leave. 

Thank you for following and being part of our journey! 

{Being Buckingham}